


Feed My Fascination

by Caprichoso



Series: A Gentle Touch and a Foolish Love [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Nonbinary Kurapika, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:53:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4343951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caprichoso/pseuds/Caprichoso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was bound to be a reckoning when Kurapika awoke; the only question now is the extent of the fallout. Formerly known as "Awake" on Tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feed My Fascination

He can barely recognize them. Their bodies are mangled, faces bloodied and broken, but their clothes are theirs, the hair matches… and the  _eyes_. Wide, terrified. Children’s eyes.

Gon and Killua are dead, far beyond even Emperor Time’s grasp.

“Poor Kurapika,” that mocking voice rings in his ears. “You failed them… again.”

The Kurta’s eyes are filled with tears, yet he can clearly see in front of him the man responsible for this. Chrollo Lucifer, the face that has haunted Kurapika’s sleeping and waking moments for an eternity, stands directly before him, a mocking smile on his face.

“You seem to have a habit of arriving too late to save the ones you love, ” the Phantom Troupe’s leader continues. “Is it fate, do you think, or simply your own personal shortcoming?”

A wordless scream tears its way out of Kurapika’s throat, and his chains fly toward the man, binding him in a fraction of a second. With a vicious wrench, the Kurta tightens the chains, crushing the man inside them to a bloody pulp.

Chrollo’s body shimmers, and a Nen illusion dissipates, leaving behind a very different man. A tall man wearing a blue suit, now stained with rapidly-spreading crimson. His eyes are wide, shock and confusion and disbelief marred by agony.

“Leorio.” The blond tries to scream the name, but it comes out a mere whisper. And as his dearest friend’s lifeless body topples to the ground, Kurapika’s Judgment Chain takes effect, stabbing a dagger into his own heart. Searing pain lances through his chest, and he screams–

Kurapika lurched awake, a pitiful, mewling cry on his lips. Desperate gasps for air made his chest explode in agony, and instinct brought his hand to the center of the affliction. Before he could touch it, though, strong fingers stilled his.

“Easy,” Leorio said, concern in his eyes. “You’ve got a hole in your chest; don’t go poking your fingers in it.”

“Leorio,” Kurapika gasped, blessed reality rushing back to him. Leorio was alive, which meant Gon and Killua were too. The two older Hunters had been chasing… “Did he get away?”

Leorio stiffened, then let out a little puff of breath. “Fifty-nine hours.”

Kurapika tilted his head. “What?”

“Fifty-nine hours I’ve been awake now.” Leorio’s voice was little more than a murmur, but no less powerful for its lack of volume. “We tracked him for two days straight, and I haven’t slept since then. I’ve just been sitting here, watching over you. And the first thing you ask when you wake up is,  _did he get away_?” He looked to the side, face twisting into something akin to a snarl. “Screw you, Kurapika.”

“I’m sorry, Leorio,” the blond said, shame flushing his cheeks pink. “I’ll thank you properly once you’ve gotten some sleep.”

“Not so fast,” the lanky man said, not moving in inch. “You and me, we need to talk.”

The words slammed into him like he’d been punched. Here it was: the moment Kurapika had been dreading ever since Leorio had begun tugging at his clothing to treat the wound. He’d hoped it might be different, might be brushed aside and forgotten; apparently, that had been too much to hope. “You hate me,” Kurapika whispered. It was a statement of fact, not a question.

“What?”

“For lying to you all this time,” Kurapika said, cursing how tiny his voice sounded.

Leorio arched an eyebrow, but didn’t move otherwise. “About what?”

Shame burned hot in the Kurta’s chest, embers of anger joining it at Leorio’s treatment. He  _knew_ ; why make Kurapika confess his sins aloud? “This,” he said, gesturing to his chest, where swaths of gauze did nothing to conceal his more feminine characteristics.

A few seconds of silence stretched between them, then the taller man exhaled loudly. “You’re smart, Kurapika, but you can be really stupid sometimes,” Leorio said, shaking his head. “Elastic bandages are a good way to seriously injure yourself. You’re a Pro Hunter; a quality binder is chump change, so you have no excuse not to get one. That was the talk I was gonna have with you.”

The Kurta blinked, not believing his ears. “Then you don’t hate me for pretending to be a boy?”

The tall man’s eyebrows rose. “Are you really just pretending? I’ve read the medical literature; if you consider yourself a guy, then as far as I’m concerned, you’re a guy. Surgery or not.”

Relief flooded through Kurapika’s veins; it would be easy to leave it at that, but a greedy little part of him insisted on pushing this a bit further. He was still safe with so much of it revealed; a little more, and he wouldn’t be alone in knowing the whole truth.

“It’s… a little more complicated than that,” he said, praying his gamble wouldn’t cause him to lose everything.

Leorio, for his part, just steepled his fingers and leaned in. “Feel like explaining?”

Kurapika released the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. “The Kurta don’t– didn’t– just have men and women. Some went from one to the other; others stayed in between.”

A nod. “You?”

“Between. Mostly a boy. Right now I’m a boy, in spite of…” He gestured to his chest. “Sometimes I have girl days, though.”

Leorio tilted his head, a finger coming down to stroke the stubble on his chin. “It’s odd; I’ve known you for years, and I’ve never been around for a girl day.”

Kurapika swallowed hard, gaze returning to the ceiling. “That’s because I don’t let myself have those days. Not anymore.”

“Anymore?”

The blond fell silent, searching for the right words. It was a story he tried not to think about– a memory so deeply engraved into his mind that it had shaped him ever since. “There was a boy, after I buried the Kurta. Everything hurt, and I needed to feel some release, needed to feel alive. I met him in a cafe, we went to my hotel, and… he saw. I didn’t know he would…” Kurapika drew a shuddering breath, the throbbing pain in his chest only partly due to his injury. “He screamed at me that I wasn’t a real boy. Called me a freak, a liar, said I tricked him. I thought it was normal, I thought  _I_  was normal. I didn’t know I was a monster.”

“You’re not a monster, Kurapika.” Leorio’s voice was low, hard, filled with simmering anger.

“Maybe not, but that’s what people out here think. That’s why I’m only a boy now, and I never let anyone close enough to find out otherwise.”

In the course of a split second, Leorio’s slow-burning anger exploded into a vehement tirade. “Screw what people think!” Leorio’s finger swished and stabbed the air violently, emphasizing his words. “If you wanna be a girl, be a girl! Get a push-up bra and show off those awesome tits of yours! If you wanna be a guy, be a guy! Want a dick? We’ll go dick shopping! I’ll buy you the best dicks on the market– one for fucking, and one of those limp ones so you can jump around and watch it bounce. Want tits  _and_  a dick? Great! Something nice to hold onto while you’re fucking me in the–” Leorio stopped and stiffened, teeth clicking together audibly as his eyes went wide. A soft, drawn-out  _dammit_  hissed through the gaps in his teeth. “I haven’t slept in a very long time,” he choked out. “Forget I said that last bit.”

The unwitting confession swirled through Kurapika’s mind; it was so foreign, so far removed from what he had expected, but so wonderful. A niggling doubt surfaced, though, and he voiced it under the guise of humor. “Leorio, are you hitting on me now just because you’ve seen my breasts?”

The accusation brought the physician to his feet, springing up as if he’d been bitten. “What? No! Is that really what you think?”

“Then you’re not hitting on me?”

Leorio’s fists clenched, and his face contorted into a mix of disbelief and frustration, eyes rolling before spearing the Kurta with an almost frighteningly intense gaze. “Hell yeah, I’m hitting on you! I’ve been hitting on you since you were legal; you’re just dense as hell and haven’t noticed till now!”

Kurapika’s breath hitched in his throat, heart pounding with fear and disbelief and things he hadn’t allowed himself to feel in years. “You liked me as a boy?”

“Dammit, Kurapika, I thought you said the Kurta didn’t have these hangups!” The sigh that came from the lanky man was eloquent, expressing how tired he was of absolutely everything at once. “Look. I like  _you_. Period. That’s it. I like you, because you’re incredible and you bug the crap out of me and I love it.” He leaned over the bed, large hands making indentations in the sheets beside Kurapika. “I wanna get in your pants, and I really don’t care what I find when I get there. I’m gonna enjoy it no matter what.”

It was too much. Kurapika could feel his eyes burning, the dual assault of scarlet and welling tears setting his nerves ablaze. “Leorio, I–”

“Don’t answer now; you have time to think about it.” He straightened his back, bringing some distance between them once more, and the spell was broken, at least partially. “It’s about time I got some sleep before I say something else stupid, like admitting I jack off to you or something like–” Leorio’s brow furrowed, and his eyes screwed shut. “…Fuck,” he whispered, palm coming up to his forehead. “Okay, I’m done,” he said in a louder voice. “Good night, or morning, or… whatever.” With that, he stumbled over to the second bed and, without removing even his blazer, crawled under the covers and pulled the pillow on top of his head.

As the sounds of snoring reached his ears, Kurapika lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, feeling no shame as he let the tears stream down his cheeks.

It had been a long, long time since he’d had a smile on his face when he cried.


End file.
